


Reasons Outtake 1

by mssdare



Series: Reasons [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, College, Drug Use, Drugs, Future, Hurt/Comfort, Hux is unhappy;, M/M, Military, Outtakes, POV Kylo Ren, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Roommates, Sequel, references to past non-con;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:49:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12901374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssdare/pseuds/mssdare
Summary: It's the last free weekend of this semester at West Point Academy and Ben wants to try something new.





	Reasons Outtake 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of the outtakes / futuretakes for Reasons. I guess it can be read as a stand-alone but reading the main story first gives more insight for the dynamics described here.  
> I want to thank all of you who commented on the main story and encouraged me to write a bit more of it, especially [kyluxtrashcompactor](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kyluxtrashcompactor) for twitter encouragement!  
> As usual, all my love to Sillygoose for being the best and most patient beta ever.

#SUNDAY

Ben opened the yellow metal drawer below his bed with his leg and shoved in the dirty clothes he’d carried over from the communal shower. He’d leave them in the pile with the rest of their laundry for Hux to do tomorrow at the Laundromat downstairs.

He closed the drawer with a screech of the springs and smoothed out the scratchy gray saddlecloth that passed for a blanket around here. A small streak of water dribbled down his neck and he brushed his hand over his shorn hair to get the last droplets out. Even after almost two years, he still mourned his long hair that had covered his ears and allowed him to hide his face behind a thick vail when he needed to. He knew that Hux mourned it even more—it was obvious every time Hux’s hands flew to Ben’s hair as if he wanted to grab it or comb his fingers through it the way he used to do before the Army.

Hux was lying on his bed with a huge album of engineering schematics perched up on his knees. He had his headphones around his neck instead of in his ears. His eyes were glassy, pupils blown wide, and his lips were slightly parted. He moved his head in time to the music coming from the headphones, while his foot bounced nervously as if he couldn’t contain his energy.

“Are you high?” Ben asked, already knowing the answer before Hux managed a soft “Mmmm.”

Ben cursed under his breath. He’d had plans for tonight. _Fuck it._ Hux was almost always high these days, either on street drugs or popping some benzos, and it was a fucking miracle he hadn’t been caught yet and that his grades and performance had been so spot on. “You’ll get found out one day. You know those tests are random, and the fact that you’ve already had one this year doesn’t mean you can’t be selected again. And I don’t want to fucking face a court-martial for enabling you to take this shit,” he muttered angrily, getting out a fresh pair of boxers and a T-shirt. He was so furious the fabric almost ripped in his hands as he pushed it down his chest, which was broad now—way broader than he’d ever thought it would be.

The harsh everyday PT, combined with the supplements he’d gulp down in his daily protein shake, had made him stronger, bigger, faster, better. During the initial West Point _Beast_ camp, Ben had thought he wouldn’t make it; he was practically in tears every single evening and morning, dying of exhaustion and feeling a violent urge to rebel against everything. He’d even come close to hating Hux for pointing out this path to him. But now it was all a part of his routine, a well-known and somewhat comforting one, a nuisance but a necessary nuisance, something he’d come to respect and even cherish.

Hux just snorted at Ben’s remark. He really must think he had it all covered, every single detail of his life here taken care of, like the way he’d arranged to bunk with Ben this year and in a double room at that. Not that Ben was complaining, because living with Hux in one room had been his biggest dream during that first tough year. Now, Ben was at peace with himself, missing his meds less, missing his freedom less, calmer than he’d ever felt in his life, grounded with a newfound purpose. Perhaps the transition between civilian and cadet life had been more of a shock for him than for Hux, but once it all had clicked into place, Ben felt as if his brain had realigned; the military structure had given him order he hadn’t been able to find before—not at school, not in therapy, not even when he’d been medicated.

He wished he could say the same about Hux.

He pushed the anger away, and instead of going to lie down on his own bunk in a passive-aggressive “fuck you” demonstration, he stood next to Hux’s bed. “Scoot over,” he said. “Lemme take a look too.” He didn’t give a damn about the schematics—he’d left whatever engineering ambitions he’d had behind him, focusing instead on the here and now of his survival in the Army and his newfound love of flying.

Hux moved obediently, even though fitting Ben on the narrow bed wasn’t the most comfortable position. Ben looked at the designs for a moment or so, but he was too distracted to focus on them. He brushed Hux’s forearm, yearning for the connection he couldn’t feel when Hux was like _this_.

“We could leave tomorrow and not come back,” Hux said, not looking at Ben.

“What are you on today?” Ben took his hand away. He tried to keep anger out of his voice, but he wasn’t very successful. Hux seemed not to mind that, though.

“Coke. So. What do you think? We could just… leave.” He brushed the air in front of him, making a small flying gesture.

Ben exhaled loudly. “Oh, wouldn’t my mother just love that.” Leia was still lamenting Ben’s decision, as if he’d decided to join a cult or a closed-off monastery or had signed up for a suicide mission. Although perhaps for mothers and families left behind, having a kid at West Point might feel this way.

When Hux didn’t say anything more, Ben perched himself up on his arm to peer at him more closely. “What? Are you serious? What about your dad?”

Hux’s gaze was a bit crazed when he looked back at Ben, his pupils still huge like saucers. “Fuck my dad, Ben. It’s my life.” He then averted his face, as if unable to hold Ben’s gaze.

“Hux,” Ben said, gentler now. He knew well this life had never been Hux’s dream, but he’d thought that somewhere along the line it had become part of him, just like it had for Ben. “I’m joining the flying club next semester.” His voice was apologetic.

Hux pursed his lips. “You should’ve gone to the AF instead.”

Ben nodded. Yes, going to the Flight Academy would have been better, but he couldn’t have known that before, could he? Plus, then he wouldn’t be with Hux, and _that_ was something he wouldn’t have survived—being somewhere on the other side of the country, not having Hux’s smooth skin under his hands at least in the evenings, not listening to Hux’s soft snoring at night and cool, tired voice in the morning. Not being able to just _talk_ to Hux after a shitty day.

“I should. But I’m _not_ starting over. I can fly Cessnas next semester in the Aviation Club, and hope for the Aviation branch and flying choppers later.”

Hux got up, rolling over Ben in the process, and dug around for his electronic cigarette. It was that or go outside for a smoke, which—as Ben suspected—unnerved Hux because he’d have to interact with other smokers out there; that was worse than having to deal with the cold of winter, freezing his skinny ass, or the heat of the summers here. Ben on the other hand found it easier to talk to people in the Army than to his peers in high school.

He reached for Hux and tugged on his hand, making him get back on the bed, and then embraced Hux’s still slender frame, making Hux hide in his arms, curled up with his head under Ben’s chin. He kissed the top of Hux’s head. Just like Ben’s, Hux’s hair was cropped short, but Hux looked good like this. He could shave his head bald and still look good, Ben thought, even if he’d miss the silky red strands so much.

“You should leave if you’re this miserable here. Nothing good will come out of this if you don’t feel like you really belong.”

Hux was very still, hidden in Ben’s arms. His voice was muffled. “And what, see you for one week a year? No. I’ll endure. It’s just two more years and the worst is over, anyway.” They both knew that it was at least seven years ahead of them, with the five mandatory years of active duty, and that it would definitely not get easier, but for Ben it felt more like an opportunity than a prison sentence.

He let Hux stay silent and just rest in his arms for the next hour or so, for once not rushed into new activities. In the morning they’d have to resume their lives here, but for now, they could enjoy the last free weekend of this semester. “Are you still high?” he asked, scratching lightly at Hux’s nape. Hux’s body was warm and so close and Ben’s cock stirred at the proximity.

Hux startled. He must have been falling asleep despite it being early. “Huh? No, I don’t think so. Not much.” He cleared his throat. “Why?”

Ben moved his hand to cup Hux’s ass and squeezed.

“Oh?” Hux said and snuggled even closer, moving his leg so it slipped in between Ben’s, his thigh brushing Ben’s cock teasingly. When Hux started to roll over, pulling Ben on top, Ben steadied him with both hands on his hips.

“I want you to do me tonight?” It wasn’t supposed to be a question but it came out like that.

Hux stiffened. “You mean…?”

“Yes. _Please_ ,” he added, when he sensed Hux’s hesitation. He didn’t want to hear the “are you sure?” questions. This was the one thing he’d been afraid to do ever since Snoke, and he wanted to be free of this fear. He was as sure as he’d ever be, as ready as he’d ever be. He was about to sign the rest of his life over to the military, since after the second year there wasn’t an easy way out of this anymore, and he felt like he needed to clear this one last hurdle before he could let go of his past completely. And all of that was true, but also he _wanted_ Hux this way. He wanted to be filled by Hux, claimed like this, consumed, so he’d know that he was accepted and desired.

“Okay,” Hux said, when the silence between them became overly charged and Ben’s erection started to flag. “Let me get the lube.”

The more he waited, lying on his back, naked on Hux’s bed, the more Ben felt like this was a horrible idea. His body felt _huge_ all of a sudden, like it took up too much space, the way it used to feel when he’d still been a teenager. He didn’t know what to do with his legs. Spreading them in invitation would be normal for a blow job, or, on rare occasions when they had enough time and strength left, for Hux to fuck himself atop Ben. Usually they were too tired for much more than rubbing against each other—Hux fucking Ben’s thighs, or Ben humping Hux’s ass crack, good and fast, craving this so much. Now it felt artificial, like a performance he was playing out for Hux and failing at hard.

When Hux crawled up the bed and pressed his palm to Ben’s inner thigh while rubbing the lubed fingers of his other hand between Ben’s ass cheeks, Ben flinched. This was it. He couldn’t endure this. It was too awkward, and Hux’s touch felt alien and _bad_ , his slick finger circling his entrance peculiar, intruding, and just… _no._

He was about to call it all off when Hux moved his hand from Ben’s thigh to his chest and pushed him into the mattress.

“Shhh,” he said. “It always feels weird for me too. Close your eyes. I’ll blow you first. And if you’re not relaxed enough after that, we’ll reschedule this.”

As if Ben’s ass was a class meeting, Ben thought with amusement.

He chuckled and then closed his eyes, like Hux had asked. The prodding finger was gone for now, and instead Ben felt the familiar, tight grip of Hux’s hand around his cock. He breathed out and then moaned when Hux’s lips slid down his shaft without warning. It was always so good to be engulfed in this heat, to feel Hux’s clever tongue on the underside of his dick, moving in tiny wiggles that made Ben squirm. Whenever he got too close to coming, Hux would squeeze the base of his cock harder and slow the pace of his mouth sliding up and down, or blow some cold air on the head of Ben’s cock. His slicked hand fondled Ben’s balls, tugged on them gently, then rubbed the spot behind his perineum. It was soothing and exciting all at once. It lasted way longer than usual, and somewhere in the heat of it Ben forgot what they were trying to do, and only remembered it when Hux’s finger slipped inside him, slowly, carefully.

Ben shuddered, but not from dread this time around. It was just odd to have a part of Hux inside him. Hux rubbed gentle circles with his finger, not stopping the ministrations of his mouth sliding up and down, up and down. He sucked at the tip of Ben’s cock, and then there was second finger inside him and Hux was rubbing the inner walls of him. Ben’s body clenched at the intrusion, but at the same time he wanted to take more, to take it _all_.

“Okay,” he said, out of breath. “Okay. Hux. You can fuck me now. I want your cock.”

Hux pulled back to look at Ben. His lips were swollen and spit-slick, his eyes still a little wild, but there was a hint of sadness in them that always showed when Hux came down off his high. He opened his mouth to ask the question and Ben sat up fast, gripping Hux’s wrist tightly.

“If you ask me if I’m sure, I promise, I’ll punch the shit out of you,” he said, and Hux nodded before he took more lube and spread it over his hard cock. He crawled over Ben’s legs and aligned himself while gripping Ben’s hip with his hand.

Hux’s nails were short and blunt, only digging lightly into Ben’s flesh, where Snoke’s had been sharp, drawing blood, leaving crescent marks behind.

Ben jerked. He knew this would happen. For months, even after coming back from his summer therapy, even when he’d still been on meds, before he had to ease off them to get his waiver for the Army, he’d had those moments when he just hadn’t been able to proceed with whatever sex Hux had proposed—not blow jobs, not hand jobs, not even mutual masturbation. He hadn’t even been able to touch himself while alone in his room. He remembered how frustrated he’d been with himself back then, furious that his stupidity had led to Snoke taking this from him. Snoke had dirtied everything, distorted what he’d had with Hux, stolen Ben’s body and soul alike.

“Ben?”

He hated, _hated_ when Hux was so gentle with him, so careful. He wasn’t that kid anymore. He had control over his emotions, and his mind wasn’t the enemy anymore. “Just do it.” It came out harsher than he’d meant it. Hux looked down at him, unsure. “Come on,” Ben added, softer.

The push was slow and it felt weird. He knew he had to relax, maybe even press lightly on the intrusion to accommodate it more easily, but he couldn’t not clench on it; the natural impulse to reject it was too difficult to overcome. But then Hux was in, not moving, just staying still above Ben.

And fuck, it was so much.

Ben gripped Hux’s arms they were like a lifesaving support. He clung to Hux’s wiry, strong, lean muscles while he pushed up, meeting Hux’s first shallow thrust.

“Just,” Ben said, flushed and annoyed with himself. “Don’t move.”

He needed Hux to stay still. He needed to do it himself, and he did—first slowly, breathing in between the push and pull of this feeling, trying to find some comfort in being filled like this and still failing.

Hux shifted his weight to the side and moved his hand to tug on Ben’s softened cock. For a while it went on like that, with Ben trying to find pleasure in it and still hoping that he would, and Hux doing his best to make it easier on him. Before Ben could get frustrated enough to push Hux away it started to actually feel good, on the verge of too much and not enough, and please harder and God, just, please— _something_.

Ben forced his hips further up, speeding up his movements and wanting, wanting so much, needing _more_ , all of a sudden. He bit his lips and thrust again, trying to center himself on Hux’s cock like there was a meditation in this movement. Hux’s eyes were half-closed, the almost translucent eyelashes fluttering, and Ben knew that Hux was close. He was silent, breathing through his nose.

“Tell me how this feels for you,” Ben asked, praying at the same time that Hux would remember not to use any of the phrases that would ruin the whole thing: the forbidden ones like “so tight” or “sweet little hole” or “be a good boy for me.”

But Hux just shook his head and then lowered himself so he could embrace Ben and press their foreheads together. He canted his hips forward. “Ben,” he said, sounding out of breath, sad, and in awe all at once.

Another thrust from Hux, met halfway by Ben, sent sparks along Ben’s body. He moaned, and Hux propped himself back up, looking pained, with his mouth open and face beautiful like this, _waiting_. He gripped Ben’s cock harder and stroked it fast.

Coming with a cock up his ass was a mind-blowing experience for Ben. There was just too much sensation—everywhere, around, inside—and Ben wanted to both flee and to impale himself harder, to scratch his skin raw and to scream and kick both from pleasure and from being overwhelmed. His orgasm sailed somewhere next to him, intense but as if happening to someone else, almost escaping him, even if his body felt totally sated and wrecked.

Hux was shuddering too, his breath in tight little gasps, before he exhaled with a loud moan. He placed his hand on Ben’s face, trembling fingers mapping his features lightly, like a ghost touch.

“Okay,” he said. “Yeah?” He looked like he might cry, but instead he collapsed on Ben, shivering, his softening cock sliding out of Ben’s ass with a slick of come and lube.

Ben winced.

“Sorry,” Hux said, but it was out of politeness, not him being concerned. He exhaled once more. “ _That_ was. That…”

“Yeah.” Ben agreed. “Not something I’d like to repeat anytime soon, but certainly something huge.”

Hux laughed, and Ben could feel the movement of his chest against his body. “Not _that_ huge.”

Ben snickered and embraced Hux harder, closed his eyes, and settled on breathing lightly, half dozing off already.

That was how the morning alarm found them—glued to each other, Hux a heavy weight on top of Ben, snoring lightly into Ben’s ear. No matter what Hux’s decisions about the future would be, no matter what Ben would face, they had this—this thing between them, these moments together, this closeness and understanding. And that would never change.


End file.
